第59章

OCT.4.-We have had a quiet summer in the country, that is, I have with my darling little ones.This is the fourth birthday of our son and heir, and he has been full of health and vivacity, enjoying everything with all his heart.How he lights up our sombre household ! Father has been fasting to-day, and is so worn out and so nervous in consequence, that he could not bear the sound of the children's voices.I wish, if he must fast, he would do it moderately, and do it all the time.Now he goes without food until he is ready to sink, and now he eats quantities of improper food.If Martha could only see how mischievous all this is for him.After the children had been hustled out of the way, and I~ had got them both off to bed, he said in his most doleful manner, "I hope, my daughter, that you are faithful to your son.He has now reached the age of four years, and is a remarkably intelligent child.I hope you teach him that he is a sinner, and that he is in a state of condemnation.""Now, father, don't," I said."You are all tired out, and do not know what you are saying.I would not have little Ernest hear you for the world."Poor father! He fairly groaned.

"You are responsible for that child's soul;" he said; "you have more influence over him than all the world beside.""I know it," I said, "and sometimes I feel ready to sink when I think of the great work God has intrusted to me.But my poor child will learn that he is a sinner only too soon, and before that dreadful day arrives I want to fortify his soul with the only antidote against the misery that knowledge will give him.I want him to see his Redeemer in all His love, and all His beauty, and to love Him with all his heart and soul, and mind and strength.Dear father, pray for him, and pray for me, too.""I do, I will," he said, solemnly.And then followed the inevitable long fit of silent musing, when I often wonder what is passing in that suffering soul.For a sufferer he certainly is who sees a great and good and terrible God who cannot look upon iniquity, and does not see His risen Son, who has paid the debt we owe, and lives to intercede for us before the throne of the Father.

JAN.I, 1842.-James came to me yesterday with a letter he had been writing to mother.

"I want you to read this before it goes," he said, "for you ought to know my plans as soon as mother does."I did not get time to read it till after tea.Then I came up here to my room, and sat down curious to know what.was coming.

Well, I thought I loved him as much as one human being could love another, already, but now my heart embraced him with a fervor and delight that made me so happy that I could not speak a word when Iknelt down to tell my Saviour all about it.

He said that he had been led, within a few months,.to make a new consecration of himself to Christ and to Christ's cause on earth, and that this had resulted in his choosing the life of a missionary, instead of settling down, as he had intended to do, as a city physician.Such expressions of personal love to Christ, and delight in the thought of serving Him, I never read.I could only marvel at what God had wrought in his soul.For me to live to Christ seems natural enough, for I have been driven to Him not only by sorrow but by sin.Every outbreak of my hasty temper sends me weeping and penitent to the foot of the cross, and I love much because I have been forgiven much.But James, as far as I know, has never had a sorrow, except my father's death, and that had no apparent religious effect And his natural character is perfectly beautiful.He is as warm-hearted and loving and simple and guileless as a child, and has nothing of my intemperance, hastiness and quick temper.I have often thought that she would be a rare woman who could win and wear such a heart as his.Life has done little but smile upon him; he is handsome and talented and attractive; everybody is fascinated by him, everybody caresses him; and yet he has turned his back on the world that has dealt so kindly with him, and given himself, as Edwards says, "clean away to Christ!" Oh, how thankful I am! And yet to let him go! My only brother-mother's Son! But I know what she will say;she will him God-speed!

Ernest came upstairs, looking tired and jaded.I read the letter to him.It impressed him strangely: but he only said;"This is what we m might expect, who knew James, dear fellow!"But when we knelt down to pray together, I saw how he was touched, and how his soul kindled within him in harmony with that consecrated, devoted.spirit.Dear James! it must be mother's prayers that have done for him this wondrous work that is usually the slow growth of years; and this is the mother who prays for you, Katy! So take courage!

JAN.2.~James means to study theology as well as medicine, it seems.

That will keep him with us for some years.Oh, is it selfish to take this view of it? Alas, the spirit is willing to have him go, but the flesh is weak, and cries out.

OCT.22.-Amelia came to see me to-day.She has been traveling, for her health, and certainly looks much improved.