第58章

XVII.

JANUARY 1, 1842

I MEAN to resume my journal, and be more faithful to it this year.

How many precious things, said by dear Mrs.Campbell and others, are lost forever, because I did not record them at the time!

I have seen her to-day.At Ernest's suggestion I have let Susan Green provide her with a comfortable chair which enables her to sit up during a part of each day.I found her in it, full of gratitude, her sweet, tranquil face shining, as it always is, with a light reflected from heaven itself.She looks like one who has had her struggle with life and conquered it.During last year I visited her often and gradually learned much of her past history, though she does not love to talk of herself.She has outlived her husband, a houseful of girls and her ill-health is chiefly the result of years of watching by their sick-beds, and grief at their loss.

For she does not pretend not to grieve, but always says, "It is repining that dishonors God, not grief."I said to her to-day:

"Doesn't it seem hard when you think of the many happy homes there are in the world, that you should be singled out for such bereavement and loneliness?"She replied, with a smile:

"I am not singled out, dear.There are thousands of God's own dear children, scattered over the world, suffering far more than I do.And I do not think there are many persons in it who are happier than Iam.I was bound to my God and Saviour before I knew a sorrow, it is true.But it was by a chain of many links; and every link that dropped away, brought me to Him, till at last, having nothing left, Iwas shut up to Him, and learned fully, what I had only learned partially, how soul-satisfying He is.""You think, then," I said, while my heart died within me, "that husband and children are obstacles in our way, and hinder our getting near to Christ.""Oh, no!" she cried."God never gives us hindrances.On the contrary, He means, in making us wives and mothers, to put us into the very conditions of holy living.But if we abuse His gifts by letting them take His place in our hearts, it is an act of love on His part to take them away, or to destroy our pleasure in them.It is delightful," she added, after a pause, "to know that there are some generous souls on earth, who love their dear ones with all their hearts, yet give those hearts unreservedly to Christ.Mine was not one of them."I had some little service to render her which interrupted our conversation.The offices I have had to have rendered me in my own long days of sickness have taught me to be less fastidious about waiting upon others.I am thankful that God has at last made me willing to do anything in a sickroom that must be done.She thanked me, as she always does, and then I said:

"I have a great many little trials, but they don't do me a bit of good.Or, at least, I don't see that they do.""No, we never see plants growing," she said.

"And do you really think then, that perhaps I am growing, though unconsciously ?""I know you are, dear child.There can't be life without growth."This comforted me.I came home, praying all the way, and striving to commit myself entirely to Him in whose school I sit as learner.Oh, that I were a better scholar But I do not half learn my lessons, I am heedless and inattentive, and I forget what is taught.Perhaps this is the reason that weighty truths float before my mind's eye at times, but do not fix themselves there.

MARCH 20.-I have been much impressed by Dr.Cabot's sermons to-day.

while I am listening to his voice and hear him speak of the beauty and desirableness of the Christian life, I feel as he feels, that Iam waiting to count all things but dross that I may win Christ.But when I come home to my worldly cares, I get completely absorbed in them, it is only by a painful wrench that I force my soul back to God.Sometimes I almost envy Lucy her calm nature, which gives her so little trouble.Why need I throw my whole soul into whatever I do?

Why can't I make so much as an apron for little Ernest without the ardor and eagerness of a soldier marching to battle? I wonder if people of my temperament ever get toned down, and learn to take life coolly?

JUNE 10.-My dear little Una has had a long and very severe illness.

It seems wonderful that she could survive such sufferings.And it is almost as wonderful that I could look upon them, week after week, without losing my senses.

At first Ernest paid little attention to my repeated entreaties that he would prescribe for her, and some precious time was thus lost.But the moment he was fully aroused to see her danger, there was something beautiful in his devotion.He often walked the room with her by the hour together, and it was touching to see her lying like a pale; crushed lily in his strong arms.One morning she seemed almost gone, and we knelt around her with bursting hearts, to commend her parting soul to Him in whose arms we were about to place her.But it seemed as if all He asked of us was to come to that point, for then He gave her back to us, and she is still ours, only seven-fold dearer.I was so thankful to see dear Ernest's faith triumphing over his heart, and making him so ready to give up even this little lamb without a word.Yes, we will give our children to Him if he asks for them.He shall never have to snatch them from us by force.