‘人类生来孤独，离开时也孑然一身’，‘人觉得孤独是难免的’。在我目前短暂的一生中的太多时刻都时常觉得孤单。作为一个性格内倾，对社交场合感到恐惧的人，享受‘孤独’本身似乎成了一节逃不过的必修课。这好像是一个很难的课题，毕竟人类归根结底还是群居动物，我们需要一定的社交生活来维持基本的社会生存能力和需求；和大多数动物本性里自带的对令人感到刺激愉悦的事物的情绪倾向相悖，这要求你在不同的环境中寻找内心的平稳和，有时候，冷静。
我不敢说我对‘享受孤独’这件事有什么样深刻的见解，毕竟如果悲伤的孤独一定要比个高下，那是没有意义的。我小时候住在一个有很多亲戚家人一起生活的大房子里，可惜的是其实我们之间只有血缘联系，村子里仅有的十几个同龄的孩子也几乎不找我玩。好在比起和他们聊天，打纸牌游戏，我更喜欢寻找一件重复性动作的事情来消磨时间：比如摊在农村竹制的躺椅上，椅背温柔又紧实地贴住我的腰背，竹条编制的枕头凉爽又透气。一晃一晃的，在吵闹的房间外，头顶是开阔的天，和煦的阳光打在茂密宽大轻薄的叶面上，投下一片柔和的光。在大自然的虫鸣声，风吹动草坪稻谷和树叶的声音的背景中，我的手中枯燥地重复着相同的动作，折出一筐又一筐的纸星星，想象着宇宙，想象着我成为各种职业的未来，想象身边的绿植和我的对话，想象着笼子里母鸡母鸭们的抱怨，想象着傍晚时分映着橙红色的夕阳从土灶上的大锅里飘出的充满食物香气的炊烟。。。那个时候的‘孤独’，只是不那么合群，但仍然能将注意力集中在自己身上专心做一个自娱自乐的人。
后来去城市里上学，我最好的朋友们有他们各自更好的朋友。如果有聚会，我大概从来不是任何人的首选，但我很擅长自我和解，又或者只是麻木了。总之我知道，有时候和他人的相遇仅仅能代表短时间内的缘分。所有人大概率都只能陪伴我短到等我离世前回顾一生时都觉得或许微不足道的一段时间。但那会儿的我处于青春期，正是精神状态多变，敏感多疑，极不稳定的时候，关于别人的动作细节我有时候会想太多，以至于别人还没说完下一句话，我可能在脑子里已经想到了百里外的地方然后开始莫名其妙地开始生闷气或者难过。为了解决这个问题，我试图远离这些让我的大脑过分活跃的stimulis，我主动离开人群，去不同的图书馆寻找各种书籍，填补因为惧怕未知和突然的变化而做出伤害自己的行为的知识空缺。大概是从这个阶段，我开始主动‘寻找孤独’和‘独处空间’，就为了与现实身体的存在割裂开，试图从‘客观理性’的第三视角分析解决我的问题和疑虑———就像自己当医生给自己开药方一样
上了大学以后，我开始自己租房子住。在这个人生地不熟的国家，终于，在遇到我现在的室友后，我就像是抓住了救命稻草一样，放下了常年在大洋上飘荡时抱着的浮木，坚决的走上了岸，自暴自弃地放弃再向外踏出一步，从此便希望这辈子不再下岛。他真的给了我很多精神上的支持，甚至于我好像在无意识中把掌控我灵魂的钥匙种在了他身上。我们的作息很大部分是错开的，尤其在开学两周后大家的学习状态逐渐步入繁忙，我在家的时间几乎见不到任何一个人，失魂落魄的，时常感觉像漂浮在空气中一样空虚迷茫又怠惰。这种情况持续了将近一周后我不得不再一次被动接受我早就清楚的事情。但人是贪心的，一旦我得到过，再次失去就比原先就没有更加痛苦。我第一次面对孤独有了挣扎摆脱的意愿——我不想一个人面对唱歌有回音的空荡荡的房子，我不想一个人坐在可以同时容纳10个人的餐桌旁点着一盏最暗的昏黄的灯吃饭，我不喜欢在生活的地方处处可见另一个我曾经对其有过依赖的人生活的痕迹，但我的周围却空空如也，只能对着微波炉和洗碗机讲话。
坦白讲我是一个没有安全感的人，我在大多数情况下不相信别人会主动提供帮助——甚至提出这份需求是一件会令我觉得无助，有心理负担和负罪感的事。看起来似乎于我的主题毫无关联，但大概率因为我曾经遭受过的拒绝和‘不体谅大人/别人’的指责让我至今不敢真正踏出那个禁锢我的不可见的圈，然而问题还得得到解决，于是我把自己分成了几个人。生活中的我，搜集整理对应‘病症’的我，沉稳分析冷静的我，碎成水银不断逃避别人的触摸和靠近的我，还没长大，被几个‘我’保护起来时不时提出一些孩子气的请求也可以被满足的我......这样，我就有了最亲近，最了解我，最爱我的家人们了，尽管她们有时面对一些事件也不太熟练。
像对待一件定价的商品一样，评估，试图把感受和情绪这种看不见摸不着的东西分解成一个个可测量的元素，寻找获得支持和自我调节之间微妙的平衡，但愿在未来不知道什么时候会以何种方式找到我自己的那座小岛——并成为自己的依靠。
“Human are born alone， and will be alone while leaving“，“Feeling loneliness is inevitable.“ I have felt lonely at times in too many moments of my short life so far. As someone whose MBTI always starts with I， enjoying 'solitude' seems to have become a compulsory course for us. This may seem like a difficult subject， after all， humans are ultimately social animals and need a certain social life to maintain basic social viability and needs; Contrary to the natural tendency of most animals to react emotionally to things that are exciting and pleasurable， this requires us to find inner peace and，sometimes，calmness in different situations.
I dare not say that I have any profound insight into the matter of“enjoying loneliness“，and， if the sad loneliness must be compared with other's， it is meaningless.
When I was young，I lived in a big house with many relatives and family members. Unfortunately，we were only related by blood， and the children of my age hardly came to play with me. Fortunately，rather than talk or play card games，I did prefer to find something repetitive to do: sprawled out on a rural bamboo chaise longue，the back of which is soft and firm against my lower back，the bamboo pillows cool and breathable. Creaking， outside the noisy room，overhead is the open sky and the warm sunshine gently enveloped me. In the background of nature's insects chirping，the wind blowing the sound of lawn rice and leaves，I imagine the planets in the universe changing，imagine my future as a variety of professions， imagine the dialogue between the green plants around me，imagine the complaints of the hens and ducks in the cage，imagine the orange-red sunset in the evening together with the food aroma raising up from the big pot on the stove... At that time 'lonely'，just not so 'into groups'.
Then I went to school in the city，and my best friends had even better friends. I've probably never been anyone's first choice if there's a party，but I'm pretty good at reconciling myself，or maybe just being numb. In short，I know that sometimes the encounter only represents the fate of a short period of time，and everyone can only accompany me for a short period of time that may be insignificant when I look back on my life before I die. However I was in adolescence when my mental state was changeable，sensitive，suspicious and unstable，and I would sometimes think too much about other people's detailed movements. So that before the next sentence was finished，I might have thought about a hundred miles away in my mind and then inexplically began to sulk or being sad. In order to solve this problem，I tried to stay away from these stimulis that made my brain overactive，and I went to different libraries to look for various books to fill the knowledge gap that I did harm to myself because of fear of the unknown and sudden changes. Probably from this stage，I began to actively seek“solitude space“ in order to separate myself from the existence of the real body，trying to analyze and solve my problems and doubts from the third perspective of“objective reason“
After I went to university，I started renting a house by myself. Perhaps it's the dependence on the people you know first after arriving in a completely unfamiliar environment. Finally， I put down the driftwood I had been carrying for years on the ocean and stepped onto the shore . Hoping never to leave the island again in my life. My roomate gave me so much moral support that I seemed to have unconsciously planted the key to my soul in him.
Most of our work and rest are staggered，especially after the first two weeks of school and everyone's study gradually became busy， and I hardly saw anyone at home. Once again， I had to accept what I already knew——but human are greedy，once I got it，losing it again is more painful than not ever having it . For the first time，I have the willingness to struggle in the face of loneliness - I don't want to face an empty house with echoing songs by myself; I don't want to sit alone at a table that can hold 10 people at the same time; I don't like living in a place where there are traces of another person whose life I once depended on while I'm surrounded by nothing but talking to the microwave and the dishwasher any more.
Frankly speaking，I am an insecure person. In most cases，I do not believe that others will take the initiative to offer help，and even asking for help is a thing that will make me have psychological burden and feel guilty. It seems to have nothing to do with my topic，but probably because of the rejection and the accusation of“inconsiderate adults/others“ that I have suffered so far，I dare not really step out of the invisible circle that imtains me，so - in order to solve the problem，I divided myself into several myself.
——And all I want for life is to find the balance between getting support and self-regulation in my own evaluation， lecturing and appeasement，and my own island somewhere maybe in the future.