Conversations Worth Having

Paul put out a text to members of his team on Slack, a cloud-based collaboration application: “Just had a great conversation with @François!” François texted back, “Just took @paul up on offer to drop by Café Sauge Verte and had a fun conversation. He’s an interesting guy! I look forward to chatting with him again.”

When asked, “What made it a great conversation?” Paul replied, “We were both interested in growing the digital economy in our region, and that’s what stimulated our getting together. We didn’t know each other and we were wide open to learning new things. François has an interesting background, and, in asking about one another, I learned he has an unusual perspective on opportunities here. In general, I tend to focus on the differences that people bring rather than the similarities. I like that François doesn’t agree with me on everything and knows things that I don’t. I asked him what he’d like to see happen at a futures institute, and he came up with some ideas that had never crossed my mind. It got me thinking. When he asked why I asked that question, I shared my dream of creating satellite futures events throughout the region. Then we were off and running about possibilities. It was really worthwhile. It was stimulating, positive, and full of potential! And I got to know another techie in our community!”

What made it a conversation worth having was its appreciative tone and positive direction; it was both appreciative and inquiry-based in nature. Their genuine interest and openness to one another, which created room for each of them to add value to the conversation, made it appreciative. Generative questions were asked about one another’s experience and perspectives; this surfaced new ideas and possibilities. The tone was energetic and expansive. The direction spiraled upward as the two men learned about each other and generated possibilities together. Great conversations are generative; they allow for the creation of new images and metaphors, and they change how people think. We can recognize conversations worth having by their tone and direction. They are:

•Meaningful

•Mutually enlivening and engaging

•Geared to generating information, knowledge, and possibility

•Solution- or outcome-focused

•Uplifting and energizing

•Positive

•Productive

The appreciative, inquiry-based conversation between Paul and François resulted in a new friendship, the surfacing of diverse perspectives and skills, the generation of ideas and possibilities, and the energy for moving forward.

We’ve all participated in conversations worth having, which by their nature are appreciative and inquiry-based interactions. They are typically rich and deep. You know you’re in a great conversation when you are energized and filled with positive emotions, images, and actions. Your thinking and creativity broaden and build. Your awareness expands and triggers insight. In the workplace, such conversations fuel productivity, performance, engagement, and satisfaction, all of which promise to support excellence. In communities, new futures are made possible. At home, such conversations create strong family bonds and support the potential of family members to thrive.

Unfortunately, this is not the nature of many of the conversations we engage in day to day, nor is it the nature of most conversations being broadcast in the media. Too often, at home, at work, on social media, in the news, and in TV programming, we engage in or witness critical and destructive conversations. You might think, “Well, that’s just human nature.” But recall the impact of such conversations on the medical center’s ability to thrive. Over time, depreciative conversations destroy our sense of well-being and eclipse our potential to contribute. They negatively affect workplace engagement, team performance, productivity, and organization success. Furthermore, such conversations fray our relationships, deplete our energy, waste time, and depress our will to try, much less excel. Such conversations affect us physically, mentally, and emotionally, draining our potential for well-being.

If it is “just human nature” to focus on the negative or to be critical, some might say we should simply resign ourselves, even though we know that this depletes us across the board. On the other hand, we also know that human nature is adaptable and habits are flexible; so the best response is not resignation but intentionality. We can learn to shift our conversations. Before diving into how to do this, it is valuable to understand the nature of the other three kinds of conversations: critical, destructive, and affirmative.