第17章

And to replace that thought he called up a succession of others, hoping to find in them some support.He tried to get back into the former current of thoughts that had once screened the thought of death from him.But strange to say, all that had formerly shut off, hidden, and destroyed his consciousness of death, no longer had that effect.Ivan Ilych now spent most of his time in attempting to re-establish that old current.He would say to himself: "I will take up my duties again -- after all I used to live by them." And banishing all doubts he would go to the law courts, enter into conversation with his colleagues, and sit carelessly as was his wont, scanning the crowd with a thoughtful look and leaning both his emaciated arms on the arms of his oak chair; bending over as usual to a colleague and drawing his papers nearer he would interchange whispers with him, and then suddenly raising his eyes and sitting erect would pronounce certain words and open the proceedings.But suddenly in the midst of those proceedings the pain in his side, regardless of the stage the proceedings had reached, would begin its own gnawing work.Ivan Ilych would turn his attention to it and try to drive the thought of it away, but without success.*It* would come and stand before him and look at him, and he would be petrified and the light would die out of his eyes, and he would again begin asking himself whether *It* alone was true.And his colleagues and subordinates would see with surprise and distress that he, the brilliant and subtle judge, was becoming confused and making mistakes.He would shake himself, try to pull himself together, manage somehow to bring the sitting to a close, and return home with the sorrowful consciousness that his judicial labours could not as formerly hide from him what he wanted them to hide, and could not deliver him from *It*.And what was worst of all was that *It* drew his attention to itself not in order to make him take some action but only that he should look at *It*, look it straight in the face:

look at it and without doing anything, suffer inexpressibly.

And to save himself from this condition Ivan Ilych looked for consolations -- new screens -- and new screens were found and for a while seemed to save him, but then they immediately fell to pieces or rather became transparent, as if *It* penetrated them and nothing could veil *It*.

In these latter days he would go into the drawing-room he had arranged -- that drawing-room where he had fallen and for the sake of which (how bitterly ridiculous it seemed) he had sacrificed his life -- for he knew that his illness originated with that knock.

He would enter and see that something had scratched the polished table.He would look for the cause of this and find that it was the bronze ornamentation of an album, that had got bent.He would take up the expensive album which he had lovingly arranged, and feel vexed with his daughter and her friends for their untidiness -- for the album was torn here and there and some of the photographs turned upside down.He would put it carefully in order and bend the ornamentation back into position.Then it would occur to him to place all those things in another corner of the room, near the plants.He would call the footman, but his daughter or wife would come to help him.They would not agree, and his wife would contradict him, and he would dispute and grow angry.But that was all right, for then he did not think about *It*.*It* was invisible.

But then, when he was moving something himself, his wife would say: "Let the servants do it.You will hurt yourself again." And suddenly *It* would flash through the screen and he would see it.

It was just a flash, and he hoped it would disappear, but he would involuntarily pay attention to his side."It sits there as before, gnawing just the same!" And he could no longer forget *It*, but could distinctly see it looking at him from behind the flowers.

"What is it all for?"

"It really is so! I lost my life over that curtain as I might have done when storming a fort.Is that possible? How terrible and how stupid.It can't be true! It can't, but it is."He would go to his study, lie down, and again be alone with *It*: face to face with *It*.And nothing could be done with *It*except to look at it and shudder.