第13章

But after a week, not feeling any improvement and having lost confidence both in the former doctor's treatment and in this one's, he became still more despondent.One day a lady acquaintance mentioned a cure effected by a wonder-working icon.Ivan Ilych caught himself listening attentively and beginning to believe that it had occurred.This incident alarmed him."Has my mind really weakened to such an extent?" he asked himself."Nonsense! It's all rubbish.I mustn't give way to nervous fears but having chosen a doctor must keep strictly to his treatment.That is what I will do.Now it's all settled.I won't think about it, but will follow the treatment seriously till summer, and then we shall see.From now there must be no more of this wavering!" this was easy to say but impossible to carry out.The pain in his side oppressed him and seemed to grow worse and more incessant, while the taste in his mouth grew stranger and stranger.It seemed to him that his breath had a disgusting smell, and he was conscious of a loss of appetite and strength.There was no deceiving himself: something terrible, new, and more important than anything before in his life, was taking place within him of which he alone was aware.Those about him did not understand or would not understand it, but thought everything in the world was going on as usual.That tormented Ivan Ilych more than anything.He saw that his household, especially his wife and daughter who were in a perfect whirl of visiting, did not understand anything of it and were annoyed that he was so depressed and so exacting, as if he were to blame for it.Though they tried to disguise it he saw that he was an obstacle in their path, and that his wife had adopted a definite line in regard to his illness and kept to it regardless of anything he said or did.

Her attitude was this: "You know," she would say to her friends, "Ivan Ilych can't do as other people do, and keep to the treatment prescribed for him.One day he'll take his drops and keep strictly to his diet and go to bed in good time, but the next day unless Iwatch him he'll suddenly forget his medicine, eat sturgeon -- which is forbidden -- and sit up playing cards till one o'clock in the morning.""Oh, come, when was that?" Ivan Ilych would ask in vexation.

"Only once at Peter Ivanovich's."

"And yesterday with shebek."

"Well, even if I hadn't stayed up, this pain would have kept me awake.""Be that as it may you'll never get well like that, but will always make us wretched."Praskovya Fedorovna's attitude to Ivan Ilych's illness, as she expressed it both to others and to him, was that it was his own fault and was another of the annoyances he caused her.Ivan ilych felt that this opinion escaped her involuntarily -- but that did not make it easier for him.

At the law courts too, Ivan Ilych noticed, or thought he noticed, a strange attitude towards himself.It sometimes seemed to him that people were watching him inquisitively as a man whose place might soon be vacant.Then again, his friends would suddenly begin to chaff him in a friendly way about his low spirits, as if the awful, horrible, and unheard-of thing that was going on within him, incessantly gnawing at him and irresistibly drawing him away, was a very agreeable subject for jests.Schwartz in particular irritated him by his jocularity, vivacity, and *savoir-faire*, which reminded him of what he himself had been ten years ago.

Friends came to make up a set and they sat down to cards.

They dealt, bending the new cards to soften them, and he sorted the diamonds in his hand and found he had seven.His partner said "No trumps" and supported him with two diamonds.What more could be wished for? It ought to be jolly and lively.They would make a grand slam.But suddenly Ivan Ilych was conscious of that gnawing pain, that taste in his mouth, and it seemed ridiculous that in such circumstances he should be pleased to make a grand slam.

He looked at his partner Mikhail Mikhaylovich, who rapped the table with his strong hand and instead of snatching up the tricks pushed the cards courteously and indulgently towards Ivan Ilych that he might have the pleasure of gathering them up without the trouble of stretching out his hand for them."Does he think I am too weak to stretch out my arm?" thought Ivan Ilych, and forgetting what he was doing he over-trumped his partner, missing the grand slam by three tricks.And what was most awful of all was that he saw how upset Mikhail Mikhaylovich was about it but did not himself care.And it was dreadful to realize why he did not care.

1

Ivan Ilych felt that he had diffused this gloom over them and could not dispel it.They had supper and went away, and Ivan Ilych was left alone with the consciousness that his life was poisoned and was poisoning the lives of others, and that this poison did not weaken but penetrated more and more deeply into his whole being.

With this consciousness, and with physical pain besides the terror, he must go to bed, often to lie awake the greater part of the night.Next morning he had to get up again, dress, go to the law courts, speak, and write; or if he did not go out, spend at home those twenty-four hours a day each of which was a torture.

And he had to live thus all alone on the brink of an abyss, with no one who understood or pitied him.