第55章

XVI.

OCTOBER.

WE are all at home together once more.The parting with mother was very painful.Every year that she lives now increases her loneliness, and makes me long to give her the shelter of my home.But in the midst of these anxieties, how much I have to make me happy! Little Ernest is the life and soul of the house; the sound of his feet pattering about, and all his prattle, are the sweetest music to my ear; and his heart is brimful of love and joy, so that he shines on us all like a sunbeam.Baby is improving every day, and is one of those tender, clinging little things that appeal to everybody's love and sympathy.I never saw a more angelic face than hers.Father sits by the hour looking at her.To-day he said:

"Daughter Katherine, this lovely little one is not meant for this sinful world.""This world needs to be adorned with lovely little ones," I said.

"And baby was never so well as she is now."

"Do not set your heart too fondly upon her," he returned."I feel that she is far too dear to me.""But, father, we could give her to God if He should ask for her Surely, we love Him better than we love her."But as I spoke a sharp pang shot through and through my soul, and Iheld my little fair daughter closely in my arms, as if I could always keep her there It may be my conceit, but it really does seem as if poor father was getting a little fond of me.Ever since my own sickness I have felt great sympathy for him, and he feels, no doubt, that I give him something that neither Ernest nor Martha can do, since they were never sick one day in their lives.I do wish he could look more at Christ and at what He has done and is doing for us.The way of salvation is to me a wide path, absolutely radiant with the glory of Him who shines upon it; I see my shortcomings; I see my sins, but I feel myself bathed, as it were, in the effulgent glow that proceeds directly from the throne of God and the Lamb.It seems as if I ought to have some misgivings about my salvation, but I can hardly say that I have one.How strange, how mysterious that is! And here is father, so much older, so much better than I am, creeping along in the dark! I spoke to Ernest about it.He says I owe it to my training, in a great measure, and that my mother is fifty years in advance of her age.But it can't be all that.It was only after years of struggle and prayer that God gave me this joy.

NOVEMBER 24.-Ernest asked me yesterday if I knew that Amelia and her husband had come here to live, and that she was very ill.

"I wish you would go to see her, dear," he added."She is a stranger here, and in great need of a friend." I felt extremely disturbed.Ihave lost my old affection for her, and the idea of meeting her husband was unpleasant.

"Is she very sick?" I asked.

"Yes.She is completely broken down.I promised her that you should go to see her.""Are you attending her?"

"Yes; her husband came for me himself."

"I don't want to go," I said."It will be very disagreeable.""Yes, dear, I know it.But she needs a friend, as I said before."I put on my things very reluctantly, and went.I found Amelia in a richly-furnished house, but looking untidy and ill-cared-for.She was lying on a couch in her bedroom; three delicate-looking children were playing about, and their nurse sat sewing at the window.

A terrible fit of coughing made it impossible for her to speak for some moments.At last she recovered herself sufficiently to welcome me, by throwing her arms around me and bursting into tears.

"Oh, Katy!" she cried, "should you have known me if we had met in the street? Don't you find me sadly altered ?""You are changed," I said, "but so am I."

"Yes, you do not look strong.But then you never did.And you are as pretty as ever, while I-- oh, Kate! do you remember what round, white arms I used to have? Look at them now!"And she drew up her sleeve, poor child.Just then I heard a step in the passage,.and her husband sauntered into the room, smoking.

"Do go away, Charles,".she said impatiently."You know how your cigar sets me coughing."He held out his hand to me with the easy, nonchalant air of one who is accustomed to success and popularity.

I looked at him with an aversion I could not conceal.The few years since we met has changed him so completely that I almost shuddered at the sight of his already bloated face, and at the air that told of a life worse than wasted.

"Do go away, Charles," Amelia repeated.

He threw himself into a chair without paying the least attention to her, and still addressing himself to me again, said:

"Upon my word, you are prettier than ever, and--"I will come to see you at another time, Amelia," I said, putting on all the dignity I could condense in my small frame, and rising to take leave.

"Don't go, Katy!" he cried, starting up, "don't go.I want to have a good talk about old times."Katy, indeed! How dared he? I came away burning with anger and mortification.Is it possible that I ever loved such a man? That to gratify that love I defied and grieved my dear mother through a whole year! Oh, from what hopeless misery God saved me, when He snatched me out of the depth of my folly!

DECEMBER 1.-Ernest says I can go to see Amelia with safety now, as her.husband has sprained his ankle, and keeps to his own room.So Iam going.But, I am sure,.I shall say something imprudent or unwise, and wish I could think it right to stay away.I hope God will go with me and teach me what words to speak.

DEC.2.-I found Amelia more unwell than on my first visit, and she received me again with tears.

"How good you are to come so soon," she began."I did not blame you for running off the other day; Charley's impertinence was shameful.