第21章

It was the nurse.She had come at last, and found me by the side of the bed, where I had fallen, ,and had been trying to revive me ever since.I started up and looked about me.The nurse was closing Susan's eyes in a professional way, and performing other little services of the sort.The room wore an air of perfect desolation.The clothes Susan had on when she fell lay in a forlorn heap on a chair;her shoes and stockings were thrown hither and thither; the mahogany bureau, in which she had taken so much pride, was covered with vials, to make room for which some pretty trifles had been hastily thrust aside.I remembered what I had once said to Mrs.Cabot about having tasteful things about me, with a sort of shudder.What a mockery they are in the awful presence of death!

Mother met me with open arms when I reached home.She was much shocked at what I had to tell, and at my having encountered such a scene alone I should have felt myself quite a heroine under her caresses if I had not been overcome with bitter regret that I had not, with firmness and dignity turned poor Susan's last thoughts to her Saviour.Oh, how could I, through miserable cowardice, let those precious moments slip by!

Feb 27.-I have learned one thing by yesterday's experience that is worth knowing.It is this: duty looks more repelling at a distance than when fairly faced and met.Of course I have read the lines, "Nor know we anything so fair As is the smile upon thy face;"but I seem to be one of the stupid sort, who never apprehend a thing till they experience it.Now, however, I have seen the smile, and find it so "fair," that I shall gladly plod through many a hardship and trial to meet it again.

Poor Susan! Perhaps God heard my prayer for her soul, and revealed Himself to her at the very last moment.

March 2.-Such a strange thing has happened! Susan Green left a will, bequeathing her precious savings to whoever offered the last prayer in her hearing! I do not want, I never could touch a penny of that hardly-earned store; and if I did, no earthly motive would tempt me to tell a human being, that it was offered by me, an inexperienced, trembling girl, driven to it by mere desperation! So it has gone to Dr.Cabot, who will not use it for himself, I am sure, but will be delighted to have it to give to poor people, who really besiege him.

The last time he called to see her he talked and prayed with her, and says she seemed pleased and grateful, and promised to be more regular at church, which she had been, ever since.

March 28.-I feel all out of sorts.Mother says it is owing to the strain I went through at Susan's dying bed.She wants me to go to visit my aunt Mary, who is always urging me to come.But I do not like to leave my little Sunday scholars, nor to give mother the occasion to deny herself in order to meet the expense of such a long journey.Besides, I should have to have some new dresses, a new bonnet, and lots of things.

To-day Dr.Cabot has sent me some directions for which I have been begging him a long time.Lest I should wear out this precious letter by reading it over, I will copy it here.After alluding to my complaint that I still "saw men as trees walking," he says:

"Yet he who first uttered this complaint had had his eyes opened by the Son of God, and so have you.Now He never leaves His work incomplete, and He will gradually lead you into clear and open vision, if you will allow Him to do it.I say gradually, because Ibelieve this to be His usual method, while I do not deny that there are cases where light suddenly bursts in like a flood.To return to the blind man When Jesus found that his cure was not complete, He put His hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up; and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.Now this must be done for you;and in order to have it done you must go to Christ Himself, not to one of His servants.Make your complaint, tell Him how obscure everything still looks to you, and beg Him to complete your cure He may see fit to try your faith and patience by delaying this completion; but meanwhile you are safe in His presence, and while led by His hand; He will excuse the mistakes you make, and pity your falls.But you will imagine that it is best that He should at once enable you to see clearly.If it is, you may be sure He will do it.

He never makes mistakes.But He often deals far differently with His disciples.He lets them grope their way in the dark until they fully learn how blind they are, how helpless, how absolutely in need of Him.

"What His methods will be with you I cannot foretell.But you may be sure that He never works in an arbitrary way.He has a reason for everything He does.You may not understand why He leads you now in this way and now in that, but you may, nay, you must believe that perfection is stamped on His every act.

"I am afraid that you are in danger of falling into an error only too common among young Christians.You acknowledge that there has been enmity to towards God in your secret soul, and that one of the first steps towards peace is to become reconciled to Him and to have your sins forgiven for Christ's sake.This done, you settle down with the feeling that the great work of life is done, and that your salvation is sure.Or, if not sure, that your whole business is to study your own case to see whether you are really in a state of grace.Many persons never get beyond this point.They spend their whole time in asking the question:

"'Do I love the Lord or no?

Am I His or am I not?'

"I beg you, my dear child, if you are doing this aimless, useless work, to stop short at once.Life is to precious to spend in a tread-mill..Having been pardoned by your God and Saviour, the next thing you have to do is to show your gratitude for this infinite favor by consecrating yourself entirely to Him, body, soul, and spirit.This is the least you can do.He has bought you with a price, and you are no longer, your own.'But,' you may reply, this is contrary to my nature.I love my own way.I desire ease and pleasure;I desire to go to heaven, to be carried thither on a bed of flowers.