第39章

I read the book in this spirit, searching its pages carefully, through the long afternoon, in the solitary cabin of my boat.There was nothing at first but an ordinary diary; a record of the work and self-denials of a poor student of art.Then came the date of his first visit to Larmone, and an expression of the pleasure of being with his own people again after a lonely life, and some chronicle of his occupations there, studies for pictures, and idle days that were summed up in a phrase: "On the bay," or "In the woods."After this the regular succession of dates was broken, and there followed a few scraps of verse, irregular and unfinished, bound together by the thread of a name--"Claire among her Roses," "A Ride through the Pines with Claire," "An Old Song of Claire's" "The Blue Flower in Claire's Eyes." It was not poetry, but such an unconscious tribute to the power and beauty of poetry as unfolds itself almost inevitably from youthful love, as naturally as the blossoms unfold from the apple trees in May.If you pick them they are worthless.They charm only in their own time and place.

A date told of his change from Larmone to the village, and this was written below it: "Too heavy a sense of obligation destroys freedom, and only a free man can dare to love."Then came a number of fragments indicating trouble of mind and hesitation; the sensitiveness of the artist, the delicate, self-tormenting scruples of the lonely idealist, the morbid pride of the young poor man, contending with an impetuous passion and forcing it to surrender, or at least to compromise.

"What right has a man to demand everything and offer nothing in return except an ambition and a hope? Love must come as a giver, not as a beggar.""A knight should not ask to wear his lady's colours until he has won his spurs.""King Cophetua and the beggar-maid--very fine! but the other way--humiliating!"

"A woman may take everything from a man, wealth and fame and position.But there is only one thing that a man may accept from a woman--something that she alone can give--happiness.""Self-respect is less than love, but it is the trellis that holds love up from the ground; break it down, and all the flowers are in the dust, the fruit is spoiled.""And yet"--so the man's thought shone through everywhere--"I think she must know that I love her, and why I cannot speak."One entry was written in a clearer, stronger hand: "An end of hesitation.The longest way is the shortest.I am going to the city to work for the Academy prize, to think of nothing else until Iwin it, and then come back with it to Claire, to tell her that Ihave a future, and that it is hers.If I spoke of it now it would be like claiming the reward before I had done the work.I have told her only that I am going to prove myself an artist, AND TO LIVE FORWHAT I LOVE BEST.She understood, I am sure, for she would not lift her eyes to me, but her hand trembled as she gave me the blue flower from her belt."The date of his return to Larmone was marked, but the page was blank, as the day had been.

Some pages of dull self-reproach and questioning and bewildered regret followed.

"Is it possible that she has gone away, without a word, without a sign, after what has passed between us? It is not fair.Surely Ihad some claim."

"But what claim, after all? I asked for nothing.And was it not pride that kept me silent, taking it for granted that if I asked, she would give?""It was a mistake; she did not understand, nor care.""It was my fault; I might at least have told her that I loved her, though she could not have answered me.""It is too late now.To-night, while I was finishing the picture, Isaw her in the garden.Her spirit, all in white, with a blue flower in her belt.I knew she was dead across the sea.I tried to call to her, but my voice made no sound.She seemed not to see me.She moved like one in a dream, straight on, and vanished.Is there no one who can tell her? Must she never know that I loved her?"The last thing in the book was a printed scrap of paper that lay between the leaves:

IRREVOCABLE

"Would the gods might give Another field for human strife;Man must live one life Ere he learns to live.

Ah, friend, in thy deep grave, What now can change; what now can save?"So there was a message after all, but it could never be carried; a task for a friend, but it was impossible.What better thing could Ido with the poor little book than bury it in the garden in the shadow of Larmone? The story of a silent fault, hidden in silence.