第1章 动物也疯狂(1)

1 So Fast

When a snail crossed the road，he was run over by a turtle.Regaining consciousness in the emergency room，he was asked what caused the accident.

"I really can’t remember."the snail replied，"You see，it all happened so fast."

太快了

一个蜗牛过马路，被一个乌龟从身上轧过。在急救室里它恢复了知觉，有人问它事故是怎样发生的。

“我真的记不起来了，”蜗牛回答说。“你瞧，一切发生得都太快了。”

2 The Clever Dog

A little boy was practicing his violin，while his father sat reading the newspaper.

The family dog began to howl along dismally.Finally，the father could endure the combination no more and said，"Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know？"

聪明的狗

一个小男孩在练习小提琴，他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声，家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声地叫起来。最后，小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了，说：“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗？”

3 Three Dollars

A dog owner claimed that his pet，when given money，would go to the news stall to buy a newspaper.His friend insisted on a demonstration and handed the dog some money.The dog trotted off，but an hour later，he had still not returned with the paper.

"How much did you give him？"asked the owner.

"Three dollars."

"Well，that explains it.When you give him three dollars，he goes to a movie."

三元

一位养狗人声称，要是给他的爱犬一些钱，它便会到卖报亭买份报纸来。他的朋友坚持要来个演示，并给了狗一些钱。狗一溜小跑着去了。但一个小时过去了，仍不见它带报纸回来。

“你给了它多少钱？”狗的主人问。

“三元。”

“这就是了。你给它三元钱时，它就会去看电影。”

4 The Parrot

A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.

"We have three."says the clerk，"This blue one speaks four languages and costs $100，and the red parrot knows six languages and costs $200.The orange one over there costs $300，but doesn’t talk at all."

"Three thousand！"exclaims the man，"How come so much？"

"Well，"the clerk goes on，"we don’t know what he does，but the other two call him‘boss’."

鹦鹉

一个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。

“我们有三只。”店员说，“这只蓝色的会说四种语言，价值100美元；这只红色的懂六种语言，价值200美元；那只橙色的价值300美元，但什么话也不说。”

“300元！”那人大声叫道，“怎么这么贵？”

“噢，”店员接着说道，“我们也不知道为什么，但另两只鹦鹉都叫它‘老板’。”

5 Three Mice

Three mice walked into a pub.The first mouse bragged，"When I see a mousetrap，I set it off，and when the bar comes down，I catch it in my teeth，bench‐press it 20 times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse bragged，"Yeah，well，when I see rat poison，I grind it up and add it to my coffee to build up my strength."

The third mouse said，"Can’t stay long.I’ve got a date with a cat."

三只老鼠

三只老鼠走进了一家酒店。第一只老鼠吹嘘说：“我看到捕老鼠器时，就把它弄开。当铁栅栏落下时，我就用牙咬住它，上下推举20次，以此来激发我的食欲，然后带着奶酪溜之大吉。”

第二只老鼠夸口说：“我看见鼠药时，就把它嚼成碎末，然后加进我的咖啡，以此来增加我的力量。”

第三只老鼠说：“我不能久留。我和一只猫还有个约会呢。”

6 A Drunken Cab

A male crab asked a female crab to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways."Wow，"she thought，"this crab is really special.I can’t let him get away."So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs，and got upset."What happened？"she asked，"You used to walk straight before we married."

"Oh，honey，"he replied，"I can’t drink that much every day."

喝醉的螃蟹

一只公螃蟹向一只母螃蟹求婚。母螃蟹注意到，这只公螃蟹走路直着走，而不是横着爬。“哇！”她心想，“这只螃蟹可真特别。我绝不能错过他。”于是他们立马结婚了。

第二天，母螃蟹发现她的新婚老公竟然横着爬，与其他螃蟹没有什么两样，她很是沮丧。“怎么回事？”她问道，“我们结婚前你是直着走路的。”

“哦，亲爱的，”公螃蟹回答道，“我总不能每天都喝高吧。”

7 Dog Property Rules

1.If I like it，it’s mine.

2.If it’s in my mouth，it’s mine.

3.If I can take it from you，it’s mine.

4.If I had it a little while ago，it’s mine.

5.If I’m chewing something up，all the pieces are mine.

6.If it’s mine，it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7.If it just looks like mine，it’s mine.

8.If I saw it first，it’s mine.

9.If you are playing with something and you put it down，it automatically beacomes mine.

10.If it’s broken，it’s yours.

狗的财产规则

1.如果我喜欢它，它就是我的。

2.如果它在我嘴里，它就是我的。

3.如果我把它从你那儿拿过来了，它就是我的。

4.如果一刻钟以前我拥有了它，它就是我的。

5.如果我正在嚼什么东西，所有的碎渣都是我的。

6.如果它就是我的，那么无论怎样，它永远不可能是你的。

7.如果它看起来是我的，它就是我的。

8.如果我先看到它，它就是我的。

9.如果你在玩什么东西而你把它放下了，那么它就自动归为我的。

10.如果它坏了，它就是你的了。

8 What Did the Chicken Do

Sam’s parrot was always using bad language，so he asked the vet how he could stop it."Every time the bird swears，put it in the freezer for 15 seconds."advised the vet.

The next time the parrot uttered an expletive，Sam did as the vet said.Then，feeling guilty，Ted opened the freezer.

Shivering，the parrot came out saying，"I’m sorry for all the bad language I’ve been using."Sam was astounded at the sudden change.Then the parrot said，"by the way，what did the chicken do？"

那只鸡犯了什么错

山姆的鹦鹉总是说脏话，所以他就问兽医怎么才能制止。兽医建议道：“每次它一说脏话，你就把它放在冰箱里关它十五秒钟。”

等到鹦鹉又说脏话时，山姆就照兽医的话做了。过了一会儿，山姆觉得这样不太好，就又打开了冰箱。

鹦鹉冻得瑟瑟发抖，出来后说道：“我对我说脏话的行为道歉。”对于如此突如其来的转变，山姆很惊讶。鹦鹉接着问道：“另外，能问一下那只鸡犯了什么错吗？”

9 Get the Umbrella

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.Just as they got into the cafe，it started to rain.The biggest turtle said to the smallest one，"Go home and get the umbrella."

The little turtle replied，"I will if you don’t drink my coffee."

"We won’t，"the other two promised.

Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle，"Well，I guess he isn’t coming back，so we might as well drink his coffee."

Just then a voice called from outside the door，"If you do，I won’t go."

小乌龟取伞

三只乌龟打算去喝咖啡。它们刚爬进咖啡店，天就开始下起雨来。于是最大的那个乌龟对最小的乌龟说：“回家去拿把伞来。”

小乌龟回答道：“如果你们不喝我的咖啡，我就去。”

“我们不会的。”那两个乌龟承诺道。

两年后，大乌龟对中等个头的乌龟说：“好吧，我猜它不会回来了，我们还是把它的咖啡喝掉吧。”

就在这时，一个声音从门外传来：“你们要是喝我的咖啡，我就不去啦。”

10 Bat‐infestation Problems

Three pastors got together for coffee one day and found all their churches had bat‐infestation problems.

"I got so mad，"said one，"I took a shotgun and fired at them.It made holes in the ceiling，but did nothing to the bats."

"I tried trapping them alive."said the second，"Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them，but they beat me back to the church."

"I haven’t had any more problems."said the third.

"What did you do？"asked the other，amazed.

"I simply baptized and confirmed them，"he replied，"I haven’t seen them since."

蝙蝠困扰问题

有一天，三个牧师去喝咖啡，发现他们的教堂都有受蝙蝠困扰的问题。

“我快要发疯了，”其中一名牧师说，“我带了一支猎枪，向它们射击。枪在天花板上打了好几个窟窿，但蝙蝠毫毛未损。”

“我曾试着活捉它们，”第二个牧师说，“然后我驱车走了五十英里才把它们放开，但它们又追着我回到了教堂。”

“我什么问题也没有了。”第三个牧师说。